Nubbin Denies Steroid Use

In honor of the Olympic Games currently going on, I am publishing a post that was written about a year ago as an email to some friends. (I think that would be all three of you who check in on the blog every week.)

In any case, I hope you enjoy it.

The Pixie house was a scene of chaos and confusion this morning as authorities attempted to take Roberta Pololi Nadia von Pixie-Moose, aka "Nubbin," into custody for questioning on suspicion of steroid use.

"We were tipped off anonymously that there might be some steroid abuse. We will not know anything until are done questioning the suspect and tests have been conducted," an O'Fallon Police Department representative is quoted as saying. "At first we didn't think anything of the tip, just another whack job calling in during the full moon, you know? But then we did a little research and discovered that most Japanese bobtails are supposed to be between seven and nine pounds - not over fourteen."

This is not the first time Nubbin has come under suspicion for using steroids due to her larger size. In an interview with Hawaii's OC16 TV station (her previous state of residence), she addressed this issue.
"It would seem that everyone thinks I'm on drugs because of my size, but nothing could be further from the truth," she squeaked. "I am just naturally large. My ancestors came to this island from Japan well over a hundred and twenty generations ago. We are all this size."
When asked why her relatives back in Japan were of the smaller stature, she replied, "Well, that's probably because they don't eat as much Pohtagee [sic] sausage and rice as we do. I am just big-boned. My great-great grandfather was Samoan. It's just a luck of the genes."
Normally this sort of thing would not make headlines. However, due to the fact that the Beijing Olympics are currently underway, when a story like this concerns one of the athletes, every precaution is taken to ensure that there is no usage of illegal substances by anyone on the Olympic team.
Nubbin is still set to represent the Soverign Nation of Hawaii in the various track and field events - including the 50 yard dash, 100 yard relay, and the 50-yard hurdles. She was also on the gymnastics team, but failed to qualify for for the floor routine or balance beam.
When questioned about these allegations later this morning, her teammate and adopted sister, Laka Theresa Alicatta "Tux" von Pixie-Moose told reporters, "This is a load of crap, and I'm tired of you people on my lawn. Now get out of here before I bust out the hose!"

Below is a photo of what a Japanese bobtail is supposed to look like.

Here is a photo of Nubbin sitting next to Ms Pixie who is contemplating her next entry.

The size difference between the official Japanese Bobtail and Nubbin is undeniable.

Before the hose was turned on local media, we were able to get a photo of the accused, having returned home from questioning.

Nubbin tries to hide from reporters.

When asked for a statement, she squeaked, "No comment!" before rushing into the house and we were hit with water and what appeared to be brownies rolled into odd shapes and coated with grey sprinkles.

As local media fled the scene, Tux's voice could be heard yelling from an upstairs window, "GET OFF MY HOUSE!"

Feel the wrath of Tux, fool! I am six pounds of fury!

This is not the first time the von Pixie-Moose sisters have been in the legal spotlight. In January this year, they were charged with destroying an Ewa Beach, Hawaii, family's Christmas tree.

Nubbin has been picked up for numerous charges in the past, namely carrying more than 0.5 oz of catnip with intent to sell, resisting arrest, and failing to check in with her parole officer in her new state of residence.

Tux has also been charged with resisting arrest, throwing her cell phone at onlookers, and hissing/spitting at law enforcement officials, in addition attempting to take the family car without a valid driver's license or permission.

Moving Til I Don't Know What I'm Saying

Even though we have been in O'Fallon for three months, I am just now getting to our sojourn of leaving Hawaii and arriving in the Land of Lincoln.  What can I say?  I'm ADD and a Gemini - I have the attention span of a ferret most days.

In any case, while Tux knew she would make the traveling squad, Nubbin had concerns.  In retrospect, we should have made sure she understood this before she developed neuroses about being left behind and ruined one of Moose Man's favorite ties.  Oh well.

The Aloha Oe to Hawaii back in May was tearful.  We probably should've been medicated.  I think it would've helped.  Here is our house we left behind (featuring the oh-so-lovely streetlight right smack-dab in the middle).

Our house, in the middle of our street...our house, was our castle and our king.

Moose Man's beloved halyconia was in bloom just before we left.

A glimpse of our fantastical back yard.

Ms. Pixie on her final walk-through.  Please note the giant traveler's palm in the back.  Truly a wondrous sight in our back yard.

Our den.  There used to be a TV and TiVo there.  *sigh*

Our FANTASTIC kitchen!  Moose Man and our Hawaiian Ohana helped tile it.  The appliances were thanks to my employee discount at Toyota Conglomerate (they are distributors for a lot more than cars).  We loved our dishwasher and fridge and oven with the kosher setting and microwave you needed a PhD to operate.  *sniff*

The window that Nubbin could actually jump to.

Our foyer.

Nubbin's balance beam.  You can see part of the light on the left in our foyer that was her ill-fated trapeze.

Our Elvis Blue Hawaii guest suite, funded by I-BOL (International Bank Of Lars).

The master bath, small but still bright and functional.

Getting to the airport was not so easy.  We could not have moved all this junk that Tux and Nubbin had assisted packing without our fantabulous Hawaiian Ohana.

Grumpy, The Mermaid, and Frog Man showed up to help out Team Purvis-Berg and Berg.

Grumpy makes sure he is hydrated for the schlepping.

Ms. Pixie poses with The Mermaid and Frog Man before loading up Frog Man's truck.

The Mermaid and Frog Man had hosted an Aloha Oe get-together for us the night before.

A candid moment with AquaDan and The Mermaid.

Frog Man, husband of The Mermaid.

As it was also Moose Man's and my fourth wedding anniversary (!!), we had a champagne toast!

Say cheese!

Grumpy smiles for the camera.

Grumpy did not get the memo he was to participate with Moose Man and Frog Man in a Three Monkeys moment.  Sadly, this was typical.

Ms. Pixie with Pom Lady and Hawaiian Pixie (aka Keoho).

Moose Man with Ms. Pixie and Pom Lady.

The Mermaid and Frog Man have a gorgeous kimono that was a gift to The Mermaid when she lived in Japan.  They have displayed it well.  I think it's a wedding kimono, but probably should check on that before I put it in print....

The Artist Formerly Known As Jean also was present for the festivities, which pleased us a great deal.

Among other things, she makes gorgeous table tops.  Here is the one she made for The Mermaid and Frog Man.  (Apologies for being too e-tarded to figure out how to line these up side-by-side.)

One last "Aloha" to Hawaii and we were off to the bucolic Midwest.

After a very long flight to Chicago and a three-hour delay on the ground there before heading to St. Louis, we finally made it.  

Tux is hiding from the paparazzi.

Nubbin tries to get some shut-eye.

Dear God, what have we done?!

On the way to the Temporary Living Facilities (TLF!) at Scott Air Force Base, we passed several new sights.

Busch Stadium, home of the Cardinals.

Home of the Rams

We drove through town and across the Mississippi and then hit corn and soybean fields on the Illinois side, but not before passing a sign that was right across from Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.  Yeah, the logo for his club, by the way is a beaver dressed as Mr. Peanut's pimp brother - complete with monocle, top hat, tails, and a cane.  All that's missing is the giant hat with the humongous feather and a cape.  Sadly, I couldn't snap a photo of that sign fast enough.

When we pulled into the parking lot of the temp living place, Nubbin couldn't stand it any more.  She needed to be let out.

We moved into this place:

Nubbin helps out with the laundry.

The girls check the place out to make sure it's up to par.

Nubbin found a new hiding place.  There were several times where we could not find her and we got concerned she had gotten out.  However, she and Tux can use their paws like hands and are really good at opening cabinet doors.

Oh dear.  It seems we have disturbed Nubbin during her nap time.

We celebrated our first night on the Mainland in Central Time in the exhausted ghetto style that was Purvis-Berg and Berg that evening.